My interpretation of this line of dialogue for me is universal. Let me explain I have moved around a lot i.e LA. New York, Florida. The list goes on when Beah said the moon wasn't always there, I related to him. As much as I have moved around on my own chasing down my plan notice I did not say dream but my plan, the moon was always with me. To make a long story short I had a night in LA which was to say the least pretty traumatic. I was rushed to Cedar Sini Hospital in Los Angeles. I was afraid. You see the moon comforts me. I don't know why it's just how it is. That night I was alone, all alone and the nurse told me there was a full moon. I said really, can I see it through this wall to ceiling window I asked. She said not on this side of the building, I frowned. That epic night July 6th 2005 the moon metaphorically wasn't in the sky. At least in my mind that is.
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Gary,
ReplyDeleteOne of the things you have to work on is sentence to sentence cohesion. F
From experiencing your writing over and over, I have a suggested strategy that could work for you. You need to, in revising, go back and after each original sentence re-define that original sentence with a sentence that repeats and expands on that original sentence.
Here's an example: You wrote "My interpretation of this line of dialogue for me is universal." "
This sentence asks you, the writer, to define universal, not move on and give an example of the definition -- which is what you did instead.
So, as we stated in class, transition that first sentence by repeating some of the words from it in the second sentence:
"The line "The moon wasn't in the sky" is universal. The moon is an image that is part of everyone's life. In my own life, the moon is something that I always look to no matter where I am in the world. I have moved around a lot -- LA, New York, Florida. The list goes on. "
See, I didn't redefine every sentence, but when I went back I did so in those parts that helped connect the jumpier sentence transitions (especially the first and second lines).
The other thing is, restate the line, rather than using "this line" or "that thought" or "those people" kind of language. These are vague phrases that, especially with the first line in a piece, harm the clarity of a text.
That said, I totally agree with the idea implied with the piece. I could connect to what you are trying to say but don't get to fully.
You really have a lot to say, so you need to revisit your work more and really add that stuff in for you audience.
You really need to think of your audience more, take an out-of-body experience and think --I am writing for others, not just for me. I hope this all helps.
Grade: 10/10